March 22nd, 2009 at 09:25pm
Under Grief-Loss
From the end of a relationship with a person, house, or job to the diagnosis and treatment of a serious illness, we all encounter struggles in our lives. A hug, a laugh and a supportive message from someone who cares go a long way in providing comfort to a heavy heart. Many people are unable to be with a friend or loved one as they adjust to a difficult situation. In some cases geography is an obstacle, in other cases it is schedules and time, but in all cases people want to find a way to show their support and provide gentle encouragement. In those situations people look for gifts and cards that convey a message of support.
Many difficult life transitions trigger feelings of grief and loss. These feelings are not unique to the experience of death. They are experienced in varying degrees by those experiencing life transitions. Transitions are the end of something and the beginning of another. It is the ending that people grieve. In the situation of a health crisis, feelings of grief relate to the loss of health, abilities, stability, and the fear of the unknown. When a relationship ends feelings of grief are experienced even though there is not a physical death. The people in the relationship must now experience life without the interactions of the other person. The grief relates to those times when something would have been shared and, in the present, the relationship does not exist, so that shared moment does not evolve in a way that is familiar. A new experience is created, and in that new experience there are feelings of grief.
Recognizing that friends and loved ones are experiencing grief during difficult life transitions allows others to respond to that situation in ways that provide support. The caring of friends and loved ones is a key to recovery through any difficult situation. People need to have their losses and transitions acknowledged by others. It is validating in an essential way to know others recognize feelings of hurt and loss. The acknowledgement provides strength through each day.
Chellie Bonebrake has a Masters Degree in Social Work and has spent over 12 years counseling people who are grieving. She is also the co-owner of an online sympathy gift company specializing in gifts for sympathy, pet loss, garden memorial gifts and gifts for serious illness. Visit http://www.acknowledgements.net to see their selection of Sympathy Gifts for a Grieving Heart and read other articles written by Chellie in the Grief and Healing Newsletter
Author: Chellie Bonebrake
Keywords: support for divorce, support for job loss, friend moving, serious illness, cancer, loss
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By admin
March 22nd, 2009 at 09:25pm
Under Grief-Loss
Its the end of the day, the end of the week, the end of the month.
The cats in the cradle and the dogs in the yard.
Or, is it the other way around?
You peel one last sticky stamp off a roll, place it on one last envelope, breathe one soft sigh of relief and like a kid with a cupcake, you congratulate yourself for getting through — One more day, one more week, one more month, maybe one more year — Without Him.
Just as soon as you drop those stamped envelopes in the corner mailbox, you plan a celebratory cup of coffee. You zip your jacket and step through the door and just when you thought it was safe to go out, that moon in the sky hits like an axe in the eye.
In an instant you experience a flash back and youre transported suddenly to another time. A time when He was alive, a time when He held your hand, a time when the two of you stood, perhaps in the very same doorway, gazing at that moon in the sky, the one that youre looking at now — Alone.
The next thing you know, youre crying uncontrollably.
You’re wasted!
And you dont understand.
No.
Youre not crazy.
Youre grieving!
Though your grief feels endless, Im here to tell you, everything will be okay.
For you, the new widow, this is normal.
Just remember these three things:
1. Be Confident! Dont Be Cocky!
In addition to the stages of grief we’ve all been warned about, i.e., anger, sorrow, acceptance, etcetera. Guess what? Theres one more you must add to the list: Cockiness.
While its normal to bust out crying when you least expect it, and its okay to toast your new found freedom, remind yourself, though you may feel on top of the world one moment, on the slippery slope of grief, its not unusual to take one step forward and slide two steps back.
The death of a spouse is a lot to process. By the light of the silvery moon, it’s not unusual to feel joy one moment and sadness the next.
So be confident. Not cocky. And dont be ashamed of your tears.
2. Be Focused!
All widows have difficulty with this one. Like an ADD child off her Ritalin, a new widow struggles to maintain concentration performing the simplest of tasks. Reading a mass card, writing a thank you note, even painting our lips can feel like rocket science. Don’t be concerned. Your fuzzy thinking is temporary. But until you’re back to reciting the Gettysburg Address backwards, you, the new widow, must teach yourself to breathe — before you begin a task.
Sounds trite, I know. But try it.
Just place your right hand on your belly, and your left hand on your chest.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Now put your best foot forward. Make it your right foot.
And go from there.
Because in order to live again, without Him, you, the new widow, must learn to breathe again. Without Him!
3. Be Happy!
I know it’s hard. You think you will never smile again. But you can and you will. Think happy thoughts.
Then rent funny movies.
And watch them!
Do it.
Even if you must watch them alone.
Can’t sleep?
Watch reruns of I Love Lucy, Seinfeld, Burns & Allen, South Park, Adult Swim, The Simpsons, Family Guy, and others.
Then laugh!
Laugh!
Laugh!
Dont know funny stories? Dont know names of funny movies?
For crying out loud, put on a happy face, get out the house, and go ask someone at a bereavement group, a church social, or the librarian at your local library to share their favorite funny story.
The act of speaking up, reaching out, and making contact with another human being will help you get through your grief.
You, the new widow, are now part of an elite club, the club that takes no volunteers and nobody wants to join. Your life is changed forever. And there will be times, times when you least expect it, that past memories like a silent tsunami will flood your brain and trigger a tidal wave of tears. But, if you remember three things outlined above, you will be prepared.
And the next time your peepers gaze at that old devil moon, your brain will sing pizza pie in the sky, not axe in the eye. You may even laugh out loud, again and again, all the way to the corner mailbox.
Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer and a widow. She writes for new widows and helps them as they process their grief. She wants every widow to know that were not alone. Della Donna makes her home with her small dog, Izzy, and his little cat, Tux, 20 miles north of where the World Trade Center used to be. You can learn more about Della Donna by visiting her blog http://griefcase.blogspot.com and her web site http://www.littleredmailbox.com - Got a writing assignment? E-mail Della Donna at littleredmailbox@aol.com.
Author: Linda Della Donna
Keywords: widow, moon, grief, mourning, loss, husband, remember, three, sky, sad, sorrow, death, dead, joy,
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March 22nd, 2009 at 09:25pm
Under Grief-Loss
A song written by R. Beresford and H. Sanders and sung by country musics living legend, George Jones , entitled, If Drinkin Dont Kill Me (Her Memory Will) , has a much different meaning for me today.
In my case, this song was left wide open to interpret the meaning anyway the listener liked. In George Jones case, it was rumored that he lived the song in living color. If his drinking wouldnt kill him, the memory that would kill him was in reference to his wife, at that time, the late, great First Lady of Country Music, Tammy Wynette. The song, was most likely, intended to depict the hurt and self-destructive ways, that a broken-up relationship or divorce, can have on a person unable to handle the disappointment of a failed relationship.
On a more serious note, my interpretation of this song carries a punch more deadlier than divorce. It means everlasting pain from the permanent loss of my soul mate, my spouse, my wife, and my life, what was once a very, happy one.
Let me share with you the lyrics of this song, to better understand my story:
If Drinkin Dont Kill Me (Her Memory Will)
The bars are all closed
Its four in the morning
Must have shut em all down
By the shape that Im in
I lay my head on the wheel
And the horn begins honking
The whole neighborhood knows
That Im home drunk again
Chorus:
And if drinking dont kill me
Her memory will
I cant hold out much longer
The way that I feel
With the blood from my body
I could start my own still
And if drinking dont kill me
Her memory will
These old bones they move slow
But so sure of their footsteps
As I trip on the floor
And lightly touch down
Lord its been ten bottles
Since I tried to forget her
But the memory still lingers
Lying here on the ground
Chorus:
And if drinking dont kill me
Her memory will
I cant hold out much longer
The way that I feel
With the blood from my body
I could start my own still
But if drinking dont kill me
Her memory will
THE END
Its been almost six years now-since the horrible disease of cancer, claimed the life of my dear wife, Bobbie. It beat her up so badly, that she couldnt think straight anymore and she had no control of some of her bodily functions. She battled the relentless demon to the end. But like some evil crusades, they sometimes win.
I had always been a beer drinker. Im not in denial of that. I am an alcoholic. However, my disease was pretty much in remission-thanks to my wife, Bobbie. She detested people who drank irresponsibly. And with her attitude and beliefs, I tried not to disappoint her. Throughout our marriage, I failed many times, but for the most part–my drinking was in-check.
I didnt enjoy drinking at home, so I drank in bars and lounges. That meant I would have to drive or have some convenient designated driver be with me at all times. This wasn’t practicle thinking. By being an alcoholic, who thinks practicle? I wasnt really a regular patron anywhere. I was an irregular patron needing to hop from one establishment to the other. I would get bored with drinking at one place. This is what would get me in trouble with the law–drinking and driving.
After Bobbie passed away in 2001, I was a lost soul. I was hurting and I didnt want to feel this kind of grieving pain. I was all alone now, and I hated it. Without Bobbie, I wanted to die. My drinking came out in full force again. This ground hog saw its shadow. And it meant more than six weeks of winter. It meant two-and-a-half years of pure hell–drinking. I was able to hold on to my job by some wayward miracle, or maybe Bobbie was my guiding angel. I do believe in angels. I was a mess. My self-worth didnt really matter anymore. I would drink one day and be very ill for four. This is where my progression from alcoholism took me. I would be gravely sick in bed every weekend after a binder. I wouldnt answer the phone or the doorbell, if it rang.
I fell off the deep end. I hit rock bottom. I was cited for a D.U.I. Then I drank more. I didnt stop drinking until two-and-a-half months later. By believing in God , my higher power, I surrendered my weakness. I sobered up. I fulfilled the penalties and obligations the law imposed on me and carried out my lifelong plan of sobriety. For once in my life, I got the gorilla off my back. And what a weight it had carried on me. I have been sober since.
Like George Jones, I quit drinking before it quit me. But Bobbies memory lives on. Like the song, it may be her memory that will kill me. I pray to God it wont be drinking that will kill me. If my life ends while being sober, I would rather die sober and have Bobbies memory do me in.
I want Bobbies memory to live on, but not necessarily kill me. If it means living in pain, so be it. Lord knows– I miss her terribly. I have wonderful, happy memories. Memories really cant kill you if you live your life in sobriety. Sobriety is a safe harbor. Memories can somehow stop you from living if you dont move on in your life.
If anybody says life gets easier in time, after a loved one has died, it really hasnt happened to them. I mean its not necessarily true. Everybody grieves differently. Human nature tells us to comfort the bereaved. So what else is there to say other than, give it time, time will heal your pain.
I suppose its true that I feed my pain. Bobbie is a constant presence in my life. I hear another clich often used, you need to move on in your life. What if I dont want to move on? My front yard has a memorial garden in loving memory of my wife. My computer screen has Bobbies picture there. I created a website in honor of Bobbie and for the benefit of cancer research. I play music that Bobbie liked. I look at pictures and read the cards and letters we have given to each other. I surround myself with Bobbies memories. Will I ever stop revisiting her memory? Probably never. Will I ever move on? Now that, I dont know. I tried being in a relationship with a girlfriend who moved in with me two years after Bobbie passed on. It didnt work out. There were many reasons why it wasnt a successful courtship. I would rather not go there.
I know in my heart, that Bobbie would not like to see me this way. She would like to see me happy and move on. I remember she told me many times after my mom and my aunt passed away, that I shouldn’t make a shrine out of their memories. At the time, I thought she was being cold-hearted when she said that. But, she was right, I probably was building a shrine to preserve memories. I didn’t see anything wrong with that.
The pain of memories subside with time, if you want them to. The only time the pain eases up, is when I write my feelings into a story. Its the best therapy for me that I have discovered. I guess that means that if I keep writing stories about my memories and feelings I have for Bobbie–Ill be okay. Then I guess if drinking dont kill me, her memory will. And Im saying this in a positive kind of way. Thanks, George, for singing that song.
Earl D. Erickson, is a grateful, recovering alcoholic. He has achieved sobriety since July 4, 2003 (Independence Day), his independence from alcohol. He finds peace and tranquility by writing his feelings into stories. He hopes his stories will benefit his readers. His other stories can be read by going to his websites, or by logging onto Ezine Articles on the internet. Also, his articles can be read by simply logging onto his name, Earl D. Erickson, on the internet. He welcomes his readers to e-mail him your stories to share with him. He, also, is writing a book about his struggles in life. It is entitled, Abstinence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder.
Mr. Erickson, owns and manages five different websites. Two of them are: http://BobbiesMountain.com, dedicated to his wife and cancer research. The other one is: http://ComfortandLoss.com, dedicated to bereavement and grief. Mr. Erickson, is a native and lifelong resident of Tacoma, Washington.
Author: Earl Erickson
Keywords: Grief, bereavement, alcoholism, self-therapy for losing your loved one, writing out your feelings.
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March 22nd, 2009 at 09:25pm
Under Grief-Loss
The past is over and nothing can be changed. We cannot accept the happening in the past so we tend to cling hard to that experience. We just let our future and present move fearing the past would repeat.
How will we ever live in the moment? To enjoy the love, the beauty, the abundance that is happening NOW so that we can change and create a future we want.
How do we RELEASE / DETACH and LET GO?? .. to enjoy the moment.
Will a balloon help??
Of course it does, Simple MindPOWER only believes in simple EFFECTIVE ways.
Physical Method
Get a balloon. Blow it up. Tie a knot. Take a permanent Marker. Now write down all the things or the thing that is troubling you. It can be anything. Write down the name or the event.
Your boss giving you a hard time
The lost of your love one, or things or business
The anger of your husband/ wife or lover
Your mother in law.. etc
Fear, doubts.
Now take the balloon to a circle drawn mentally or physically on the floor. This circle represent your garden. Put the balloon down on the floor in that circle. Put your foot on it to burst your balloon. Whilst bursting the balloon, see your problem, your lost burst into small particles. Now, see your garden, clear of weeds covered with colorful beautiful flowers.
You can repeat this technique over and over again, to reinforce the acceptance and the release and let go of the past or event.
Visual Method / Mental Method
When the hurting event pops into your mind. Do a quick release. Visualize the event now encased in a fully blown balloon. Mentally burst it. Do this repeatedly as your thoughts comes up again. It takes a second or two. This will release you from the problem, fear etc and relieve you from stress instantly and recharge your confidence and power to take on more positively.
This simple technique is so powerful and shockingly effective with immediate results. It can be used by anyone.
For younger ones, they would love the physical method. So Mom and Dad, this will turn you kids back into their usual upbeat self instantly.
Instant Stress Management Techniques
K Amber
Simple Ways To Positive Living! Simple MindPOWER
http://www.simplemindpower.com
Author: K Amber
Keywords: instant stress relief technique, mental power, positive attitude, confidence and courage, po
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March 22nd, 2009 at 09:25pm
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My interest in the Afterlife and spirit communication began in earnest in 2000, when my life literally fell apart. There was an entity that began to manifest to comfort and console me as I was going through my divorce. Whenever I cried, this loving presence touched me in a warm and motherly way. I could feel her soothing warmth drape over my shoulders and back. I felt compelled to turn onto a street that led into an office park. There I found a church meeting in a warehouse. When I visited the church, I met Randy, the man who is now my husband. He recognized me immediately because he had seen me in a dream.
One day during meditation about a year after my husband, Randy, and I married, my spirit guide introduced me to some of the other beings who assist me on my journey. There was Ginny Lee, the mothering spirit who had consoled me during my divorce. I had not really noticed when she stopped coming, but I immediately felt her sweet presence as I received this guidance in my mind. My guide (higher self or whatever you call it) said that Ginny had lived in the U.S. within the past decade, and had passed only a few years ago. He said she was a mother with a great sense of humor, who loved to care for people, and that she was the one who led me to the church where I met Randy. I shared my story with Randy and his mouth dropped open, You have just described my mother to a tee, he said. Her name was Virginia Lee, but people who were close to her called her Ginny Lee! She kept everyone laughing until she died suddenly about a year before you and I met. That was about the same time I started sensing her presence.
Randy and I realized that his mom had chosen to leave her physical body in order to complete a Divine assignmentto bring the two of us together. I rejoice, knowing that those who pass to the other side still have missions and want to assist us in our earthly journey.
Be assured that if your loved one has passed on, they are in spirit form and they have work to do in other worlds and realms. They are likely to be near you even though you may be unaware of their presence. They want to communicate with us.
As a result of this and other experiences, Randy and I began to challenge our life-long religious belief system. We wanted to know why we believed what we believed. Was it because someone else had told us it was true? Or did we own the belief as it resonated in our heart? The only way to find out was to see what else was out there and try it on to see if it was truth for us.
We began researching church history and other religions. We explored other spiritual paths to see what they had to say about spirits, angels and afterlife because I was being visited by more and more of them. Many were afraid and confused souls. Now I know they wanted help in finding the Light of God and crossing over to the Other Side. Slowly, I learned to trust my inner guidance and as a result, I have embraced a more compassionate approach to dealing with the deceased spirits who kept finding their way to me.
If you think you are being visited by deceased loved ones, you probably are. You are NOT losing your mind! You nothing to fear, but the ridicule you may get from people who do not believe you. You can choose not to talk to people about your conversations and interactions with the spirit world. There are support groups that can help you process your experiences. Many of these are available online through meetup.com and yahoo groups.
Yvonne Perry is a metaphysical freelance writer, author and keynote speaker with a gift for assisting people who are afraid of dying or are grieving the death of a loved one. She also understands spirit communication with deceased loved ones. Get a complimentary copy of Yvonnes E-book More Than Meets the Eye: True Stories about Death, Dying, and Afterlife at http://www.yvonneperry.net/books.htm. The book is a tremendous source of comfort and answers.
Author: Yvonne Perry
Keywords: spirit communication, deceased loved ones, grief, loss,
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March 22nd, 2009 at 09:25pm
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The day we are born, we begin to die. Its a given fact of life, yet one which we spend much of our lives trying to ignore or defy.
The writer of Ecclesiastes wrote There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die … (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2)
Later he writes Naked a man comes from his mothers womb, and as he comes, so he departs. He takes nothing from his labor that he can carry in his hand. (Ecclesiastes 5:16)
In the New Testament, the writer of James says You do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes (James 4:14). We are like the morning mist that is burnt off by the rising of the warm sun.
In the letter to the Galatians, Paul writes Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up Galations 6:7-9
This speaks of eternal life, abundant life now and eternal life beyond the grave, being a reward from God. Yet eternal life is not a reward for our works, but a gift of God. In Ephesians 2:8 is says For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast. As we put our faith in Him, He rewards us with eternal life which starts today.
Should we fear death? Lets look at what happened after Jesus died his discipled hid, they were fearful and scared. Yet, when they heard the news about His resurrection, they find new hope. He is not here, he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. This hope that they now had is seen clearly in this quote from Paul If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labour for me. Yet what shall I choose? I am torn between the two, I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far. (Philippians 1:22-23). Pau clearly believes that being in heaven is the best of any options and has no fear of his own death.
The writer of Revelations gives us a glimpse of heaven when he writes He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. (Revelation 21:4). Later he writes There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. Revelation 22:5
Even the words to John Newtons hymn, Amazing Grace, show the hope and promise of heaven. When weve been there ten thousand years, bright shining like the sun, weve no less days to sing Gods praise, than when weve first begun.
Darrell Scott, father of Columbine shootings victim, Rachel Scott, when commiserated with, usually replies I have not lost her, I know exactly where she is. This certainty is something which we can all know in this life when we respond to Gods call to us.
Death is not the end, it can be just the beginning.
This article was submitted by Jen Carter, creator of the collection of poetry, 50 Best-Loved Poems for Funerals & Memorials, a resource for writers of funeral speeches and eulogies.
Find more information on funeral planning at the Special Moments website.
Author: Jennifer C
Keywords: death,dying,God,christian,bible,faith,funeral,planning,memorial,eulogy
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March 22nd, 2009 at 09:25pm
Under Grief-Loss
That is a bold statement, but you see, I no longer believe in death. My body may demise and my spirit may depart from it, but who I am (my essence) will NOT die.
Some people view death as a fearful tragedy, the end of a life, a sad finality. Weve been programmed to think that death is a fearful thing, but there really isnt any thing to be afraid of. In fact, there can be no such thing as death if your spirit/soul continues to be conscious elsewhere.
Our physical body is not who we are. It is only the container or vehicle for our soul. When we see someone riding a bus we know that they still exist even when they get off. Its the same with us. We exist regardless of whether we have a physical body or not.
How do we KNOW there is an afterlife?
Through my own experiences and those of others I have interviewed, I have found significant proof that there is an afterlife. Those, like myself, who have had an NDE know that there is more than meets the eye regarding death and Afterlife.
I wasnt very concerned about the afterlife when I was younger. I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was a child, so I knew that if I died Id go to a wonderful place called heaven where there is no sickness, death, aging or pain. I gave no thought about what other people believed or had experienced so it made no sense to me why people cried or were upset when someone diedafter all, they went to HEAVEN, my young mind reasoned!
In 1988, my grandfatherwhom we called Papdied, and his spirit began coming to me in my dreams and sharing his experience in the Afterlife. He even gave me helpful advice regarding a problem I was having with my teenaged daughter. I followed his advice and the problem was quickly solved. I am not the only one he visited. My grandmother regularly communicated with him, my nephew (who wasnt born when my Pap was in body) saw him, and my daughter-in-law also encountered his spirit years after he died and she never knew him when he was alive on earth. This proved to me that there is an Afterlife, that we exist on other planes and that our consciousness or essence never dies.
Experiencing the supernatural is both common and natural for those who have eyes to see and ears to hear. Those who interact with the non-physical realm are sometimes considered insane or in need of psychiatric help by those who do not see or hear in the spirit. Many psychic people are shunned and ridiculed. Some children are even punished for talking about seeing angels and spirits. They are NOT crazy, nor am I, nor are you!
Yvonne Perry is a metaphysical freelance writer, author and keynote speaker with a gift for assisting people who are afraid of dying or are grieving the death of a loved one. She also understands spirit communication with deceased loved ones. Get a complimentary copy of Yvonnes E-book More Than Meets the Eye: True Stories about Death, Dying, and Afterlife at http://www.yvonneperry.net/books.htm. The book is a tremendous source of comfort and answers.
Author: Yvonne Perry
Keywords: die, dying, death, spirit communication, loss, deceased loved ones, Afterlife,
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March 22nd, 2009 at 09:25pm
Under Grief-Loss
If only we knew what was on the Other Side of this life! Knowing for sure what lies ahead might make a difference in how we view dying and aging and how we handle the death of a loved one.
Much of our fear about death is rooted in delusions and distorted ways of looking at life and the world around us. Generally, our fear of death is an unrealistic fear. Perhaps the best way to overcome the fear of death is to remember that our present physical life had a beginning. There was a time when we were not on Earth in these physical bodies, and there will be a time when we shall return to a non-physical state of being. The rational mind has difficulty believing that any reality other than the third dimensional world of time and space, in which we currently live, could possibly exist.
There is no real separation between the physical and non-physical realms. The separation seems real because there is a very thin veil (i.e.: our skin and physical body) between the two realms that dims our ability to interact with those in other dimensions. But more than the physical sense of separation, we limit ourselves with the false belief that we have only five senses with which to explore and experience life. This belief hinders us from accepting what our inner knowing tells us is true. We are multi-sensory spiritual creatures able to sense the presence and energy of non-physical beings. We also exist in other dimensions besides this 3-D earth plane. Havent you ever had a dream that was so intense, you couldnt believe it was just a dream?
What do you believe about the Afterlife? Are you afraid of dying? Those who have had a near-death experience report there is no judgmentonly love in the afterlife. Even those who had a negative experience in the episode, come back changed and more aware of their purpose for being here.
Yvonne Perry is a metaphysical freelance writer, author and keynote speaker with a gift for assisting people who are afraid of dying or are grieving the death of a loved one. Get a complimentary copy of Yvonnes E-book More Than Meets the Eye: True Stories about Death, Dying, and Afterlife when you http://www.yvonneperry.net/Writers-in-the-Sky-Newsletter.html subscribe to the newsletter. Read more about death, dying, afterlife, spirit communication, euthanasia and suicide at http://www.yvonneperry.net/books.htm
Author: Yvonne Perry
Keywords: death, dying, afterlife, near-death experience, fear of death, aging
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March 22nd, 2009 at 09:25pm
Under Grief-Loss
For Bobby
Jesus saw you getting weary Knew the struggle deep within He longed to quiet, still the storm And let your peace begin He knew the pain and heartache Your life you did endure The emptiness, the loneliness Of which there was no cure We were young when heartbreak found us Ripped apart our family For you, the pain was so profound The whys? You could not see When others talked against you Tried to make me feel ashamed My heart turned hard in your defense No one besmirch your name You struggled so throughout your life That Jesus saw and cried My son! Reach up your soul to me Your heart be not denied. He called you home one silent night As swiftly as a sigh He gave us time to be with you Just enough to say goodbye I miss you though, you know I do The ache is always there Its just because I love you so And I am in despair And so Ive cried and held my head I do not want you gone I want you, Bobby, back with me So we can sing a song Now in the breath of the singing trees Your laughter do I hear Youre telling me of the peace youve found And not to shed a tear Ive found a bit of peace myself In writing this for you A gift of Love has been exchanged The Lord Knew what to do.
Sister, Angie
Angela LeMoine
My sister wrote this poem for my brother, Bobby. I would like to share this with you.
Living Nightmares of Abuse by Phyllis Benton is available at http://www.publishamerica.com Also available at http://www.bn.com and at http://www.amazon.com (inside the cover feature) It is also available through most any other on line book store. http://www.pdbenton.org
Author: Phyllis Benton
Keywords: loss of family, gift of love, in memory, poem, heartache
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March 22nd, 2009 at 09:25pm
Under Grief-Loss
Last week, I visited my 81 year old widowed Aunt following the death of her boyfriend, also age 81. She was expectedly quite distressed following his sudden death from heart failure. In spite of having been widowed for over 20 years, and having three children and grandchildren and lots of friends, she felt very alone. She reminded me that even at age 81, she still needed to be held and loved and neither her children nor grandchildren could fill that role in quite the same way.
She was distressed about the way people responded to her following his death. I remembered my own experience as a young widow, at age 31, and the insensitive things people said to me, intending to help subside the pain, yet unaware of their own insensitivity. I suggested that perhaps people didn’t know how to repond to the bereaved, they didn’t know what to say, or what not to say, and maybe we should create a list that might help people as they try to comfort friends and family following the death of someone close. Together we composed the list.
What not to say to someone who is grieving
You have to get on with your life
We put this statement at the very top of the list. When a loved one dies, the survivor does get on with their life from the moment of death. Just surviving is getting on with life. This statement is usually a reflection of the listeners discomfort with grief, and the grief process. When someone close dies, we get on with life from moment to moment. The task is not getting on with life, the task is learning to live with the life they got.
You have to get out and stay busy. What are you waiting for?
My Aunt heard this comment only days following the funeral. This is an example of the rush to health. Grief takes time. A major bruise has just occurred to the body, and like any bruise it takes time and care nursing it back to health. If one breaks a leg, staying off of the leg and going a bit slower makes sense. Most people would tell a friend or family member following a broken leg to slow down and take it easy. A broken leg is visible. Emotional wounds can’t be seen in the same way, and yet they are very much there. While there is a place for staying busy, the time to be s low and take one day at a time is the days immediately following the loss. The body needs time to heal.
Are you going to move?
It really doesn’t help t o have to try to figure out whether or not a person plans on moving immediately following the death. It’s a decision that usually doesn’t have to be made immediately. Staying in the same place, or deciding to change residences shouldn’t occur until the person has some time to think clearly. Death is a source of instability for the bereaved. It’s an unintended upset. The home is a safe haven, a place of stability. It’s not a helpful question becuase it just adds another layer of confusion to a grieving person’s shaken world.
Showing pictures of family members
If you have been a couple and are suddenly uncoupled, listening and watching other couples participate in family activities and events, adds to the lonliness one already feels. People who have experienced a major loss, have increased sensitivity to family activities.
If he had lived, you would have had to take care of him, and it would have been very difficult for you.
This may or may not be an accurate statement, but I know few people who find this helpful to hear following a sudden death. The focus of the comment becomes on hat might have happened, rather than what did happen.
Helpful comments following the death
What can I do to help you get through this?
This comment demonstrates sensitivity to the grieving person’s pain. It shows you care about them and what happens to them. It gives them an opportunity to define what it is they need from you, to get through this trauma. It helps them focus on what they can do to survive.
It’s terrible now, but it will get better.
This comment gives a sense of hope. Hope is what keeps people alive. It keeps people looking forward to a brighter day. The comment empathizes with the current pain, and lets the grieving person know that the desperate feelings one has now, will not last forever, to the same degree of intensity. It really does get better. Time does help heal wounds.
It’s normal to feel the way you do.
A grieving person frequently feels that they are going crazy, because of th intensity of feelings and the depth of them that occurs with the loss. Telling the person the feelings of sadness and confusion and memory loss may all be normal for loss. As a social worker, I thought I had all of the knowlege about coping with loss, and in spite of this knowlege when my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly, I felt like I was going crazy, when it was just a normal part of grieving. When I paid the same bills twice in the same month, I was convinced I had gone nuts.
I am here for you.
This lets the grieving person know that you care about them, and what happens to them. There is comfort in letting somebody know that they are not alone.
The gift of listening
The greatest contribution you can give a person grieving is to listen to them. Listening is truly a present for the bereaved. Sometimes not having any words to offer is comforting. Frequently there just aren’t any words. Sometimes the greatest ability you have to show genuine care and concern is to listen. It’s such a simple gift, the gift of listening.
After listening to my Aunt, and compiling the list, I had to wonder how does an 81 year old lady find a boyfriend again? I think the best thing to do is to tell a little white lie about her age, and find a younger man, which brings me to one of the greatest gifts one can give oneself to do the best to keep a sense of humor.
Tammy Stoner is a licensed clinical social worker and developer of a treatment model applying teddy bears called the Teddy Bear Technique to help process grief and loss. More information can be found about the TeddyBear Technique at http://www.interactiveteddybears.com.
Author: Tammy Stoner
Keywords: Loss, grief, death, consoling, bereaved
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